It's common to see someone of quick success hit burn out and we watch them fall off this pedestal they'd been sitting on. But I have a theory. I don't think they fell off of it. I think they jumped off because they didn't want to be there in the first place. That pressure is too hard. We are too human to be on a pedestal.
When life got hard I had a friend tell me she saw me as her golden calf and she was having a hard time being present for me. That moment was when I knew I was not true Eryn to her. I was an idea of Eryn and it would be really hard to feel safe and share more of who true Eryn was because of where she placed me in her mind.
Something I've learned this last year about myself... I deflect so people don't get close enough to see those parts. I deflect my struggles to be present in their struggles but that's not a genuine exchange of friendship. Maybe she saw me as a "golden calf" because I was so guarded to share my flaws with her. Maybe I was scared because I thought if they see these parts in me they won't love me. I can no longer serve them but in reality I am doing a complete disservice to anyone by hiding. I was a performance friend and I got really good at that. I would perform what you needed for me to feel loved. That's not a friend. No one wants to be a friend to someone that doesn't show the behind the scenes.
We want friends we feel safe to share our behind the scenes with and celebrate each other at the same time. I subconsciously did this. It wasn't malicious... just the only way I knew how to be loved and show love. I was the friend and boss that celebrated engagements, birthday parties, going to store openings, grabbing drinks to catch up on their life, I'd be there to pick up the phone at 2am when someone had hit rock bottom. I was the friend that would drop things and be in your office listening to your heart ache. I was the boss that would send her employee to get their hair done because they needed a boost of feeling cared for. My boundaries for how I extended myself were frail. I spread myself thin and was performing for everyone. That's not a friend. At least the kind of friend I want to be anymore. I believe and love the quote "a friend to all is a friend to none". I was a friend to all and it made me an inconsistent friend to most.
I had performed for a huge circle of people to learn I need only a few close. I found myself with 3 incredible people that weren't scared of true Eryn and they loved me back to life when my life had completely shifted and had fallen apart. I could call them with anything. They had seen every bit of human and they still loved me. They showed me true Eryn is a good person. She is a loving person and they asked questions that exposed the behind the scenes. It's okay for her to be messy because she's equally beautiful. They didn't want me to perform for them, they just wanted me in their life as much as they wanted to be in mine.
These 3 amazing women dug deep and performed heart surgery on me. They didn't need to talk about digging deep to be deep. They just showed up and actually grabbed shovels and gloves and went to work on my heart. For the first time I learned what healthy friendship was and it wasn't performance based. It wasn't: "what can you do for me" but more so "what can we do for each other?" Sheryl Sandberg says: In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity we know our friends.